I was at the mall. Outside, in the designated smoking area, smoking a cigarette. Minding my own business, browsing the web on my cellular device, when seemingly out of nowhere (and I say that because with a person as large as she was, I don't know how I didn't see or smell her coming) this gigantic whale of a female (and I say female based solely on the size of 'her' breasts - and no, not good big) approaches me.
She says, with a smirk, "Cigarettes cause cancer."
That's where the hobbling fact machine fucked up. You see, I was just minding my own business until she decided that my business was her business. And if my business was hers, the inverse must also be true.
I took two steps back, so that I could see the whole of her, and said "Yeah, well food causes obesity. Why don't you conquer your own vices before worrying about those of others? Mind your own business, you atrocity of a human being and leave me alone."
She stood there, shocked. Until her son that was approximately six times the size that he should have been for a child his age started crying. Her eyes went big, and without saying another word the whale retreated to her car that was parked in the nearest handicapped space.
I was a jerk today.
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